The language everyone speaks
The silent language of LOVE.
"It was love at first sight"
Many couples, young and old alike, will say this when they are asked about
their first meeting. But what is it that attracts us so much during this
first contact with the other person? If you ask those in love, you will
often get answers such as:
'I liked the way she looked at me'
'he just had something about him'
'it just seemed right'
What exactly clicked and why, what happens between boys and girls in a
western society is something many people are interested in. .
Who would not want to know what he/she could do to gain somebody's love or
Is it what we say?
Most of the time it is not the words that are spoken that make our hearts
beat faster. For nearly all of us talking about our deeper feelings is
often very hard, even more so at a very first meeting. But do not worry!
Through our posture, facial expression, eyes we show more of our feelings
and intentions than we realise. Words can even get in the way of the
connection we already are making with our body language. This is why a
noisy disco where you can hardly hear each other can be a perfect place for
a first meeting.
Our bodies do the talking for us!
It's the combination.
The first thing we notice from others is the way they look, walk, stand,
move and talk.
Books on body-language use words such as posture, distance, time, facial
expression, eye contact, breathing and intonation to say the same thing.
It is not one thing on its own but the combination that plays such an
important role in the attraction to each other. You have to be congruent in
the expression of yourself.
Your Romeo or Juliet will notice you more when the whole of you speaks the
language of love.
THE DANCE OF SEDUCTION:
Watch that belly!
A body slumped like a pudding is not attractive to anyone. Unconsciously a
man will pull his tummy in and straighten his back when he wants to make an
impression. A woman will do something similar. She will tighten her muscles
and pull her shoulders backwards.
To show your interest further and begin the dance of seduction, you might
put your hands on your hips or put your thumbs behind your belt if you are
a man. If you are a woman you may change the way you stand or lean with
your hand against one hip.
At this point in time there is still distance between each other.
This distance usually stays for a while before we get closer and than we
adjust our body-language to the new distance.
The look of love.
If you are making eyes at someone, hold that look for a bit longer than you
normally would but not too much longer.
Look at the other, than look down or away and than look back again. This
lets him or her know you are interested. When the other looks back at you,
look a bit longer than the first time. If he or she is still keeping in
contact, bingo! you are on your way. In the meantime we might adjust our
clothes, our hair or play with a glass or something in our hands.
In this early connection, a look that lingers too long or when you stare
has the opposite effect, do not gawk!
The exchange of looks between two lasts as long as is needed until one of
the two takes the next step of the seduction dance.
With a little help of a friend.
A girl will often be in the company of a girlfriend when she meets someone
to whom she is attracted or who is attracted to her. She may say to her
friend: "He's looking at me!". The girlfriend will than also look at the
guy, first because she is curious and second to make sure her friend is not
imagining things. If she likes him as well things can get complicated but
let us say she is just helping her friend. If she than looks at the guy in
a friendly manner, it easier for him to move a bit closer toward them. As
he does that, he will have to say something. However, what he says is less
important. A lot of young men worry about a good 'opening sentence' . More
important than what he says however is how he says it.
If you can be self assured, with a calm voice and an open, friendly
expression on your face, great. If that is difficult because you are shy or
something, do the best you can as long as you make an effort to look
friendly. When you speak look her in the eye with a smile and do not forget
to look briefly at the girlfriend as well.
When she answers while giggling and looking at her girlfriend, quickly look
down, then look at her body and back in her eyes again. Look from one eye
into the other fast. She doesn't exactly know why, but she knows for
sure:'He is cute and he thinks I'm cute as well!'
For a girl who wants to take the initiative, the next step of the seduction
dance after that first look will be as diverse as there are girls. The
situation will also have an influence as will the opinion of her
girlfriend. Girls, you have the advantage that you have practised this
since you were a small girl so follow your intuition and you will be right!
As for the guys, most likely you will continue to talk while you turn your
feet and shoulders more and more in her direction. Slowly he closes the
distance, moving near her personal space. Nearly automatically you will
begin to breathe at the same frequency as the girl and copy her way of
speaking. Just hope she does not speak a language you do not know!
The girl will begin to take on a similar body-position and starts to focus
her attention more toward the guy.
Sorry girlfriend, but you know that soon you will be one too many! We are
seeing true "love at first sight" in action here.
As he continues to make small talk, he slowly turns towards her more and
more. So much so that the girl and him nearly form a closed circle. At this
point the girlfriend may leave or begin a conversation with someone else.
This is the signal for the guy to get even closer to the girl and maybe as
much as right into her personal space.
If you do it relatively slow you will be able to read her body-language and
perhaps know intuitively what to do. If not, try reading this page a few
times and practising a bit.
That first touch.
Guys please, do not begin to touch with your hands! Far too obvious. You
will be a lot more appreciated if you learn to be more subtle. Touch her as
"by accident". With an elbow as you adjust your body-position closer to
her, with your foot, or with the back of your hand as you reach her a glass
or something.Touching a girl with your hands too early does not show much
respect. You also may be in danger of receiving such a strong reaction from
her that all your progress is lost. Remember, a guy has to prevent failure
and always has to have a way out. So with each touch, notice her reaction
and if she pulls back, you can lean backwards again and end the contact
without feeling like a total fool. If she approves the touch she will not
pull back and that is the signal that you can make the next step of the
This step is another small and subtle one. For instance, when the guy and the girl
sit together he can 'accidentally' touch her knees with his knees. Or if at a
bar, he can stretch his arm over the bar toward her. This way he can almost
touch her with his hand. When they sit on a couch, he could put his arm on
it, also without touching her. Guys, if she doesn't move away, touch her
clothes with your fingertips and gradually increase the pressure, so she
can feel your touch. With all touching a general rule can be followed. If
she does not pull away, you can move closer and increase the touching. It
is also a good idea to keep on talking and you might say some nice things
to each other as well!
The magic of the first kiss.
If our girl still doesn't resist him, looks at him with shining eyes and lets
him know by her whole body-language that it is ok to continue, he can begin
to draw her into his arms. Slowly does it! Meanwhile look each other deeper
into the eyes. By both your pupils will be wide
open and quickly go from the left to the right eye. Your breathing speeds
up and the
conversation slows down. Do not talk too much just because you are nervous
and excited and do not pay much attention to what you both are saying.
Many such moments have been spoiled by prattling on.
Now at this point both girl and guy are sure that they will kiss each
other, and so it is very
exciting. Slowly their faces will come closer and they will shut their eyes
Here we will leave our excited couple in love. They need a bit of privacy!
The dance of seduction and its different steps are a good example that it
is not one single signal but the combination of all the body signals that
make up the body-language and contribute to that first contact.
Of course the details can be different. The girlfriend could have been
absent, the first contact could have taken place in a park or at a sports
club. Whatever the situation though, the body-language and the importance
of it remains the same everywhere and in all situations.
Long time lovers.
"We are not in that -love at first sight- stage anymore, we now are loving
each other in another way".
This is what a couple that has been together for years answers when asked
about their love. They don't walk hand in hand anymore but arm in arm.
They don't always sit on the couch together any more but also have their
own favourite chair. Still they say that they haven't grown apart, on the
contrary; they have drawn closer to one another. Others
confirm that: "Those two? They belong together!"
We saw that new lovers mirror each others body-language.
With the couple that has been together for years, it has become something
that is second nature. They often walk the same way, look at people and
things the same way.
Watch this when you see people who have been together for a long time.
text: Frank van Marwijk.
translation: Josje v/d Steen
© Bodycom Lichaamscommunicatie, The Netherlands
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